MOTHERS’ DAY SERVICE 2010

A Son’s Reflections:

 

FATHERS’ DAY

[In May 2010, most of the KUF Mothers’ Day service was shared by men recounting memories of their mothers. The following excerpts are taken (with permission) from that service.]

 

From Dave Lyman: My mother was truly a self-taught mom! Her dad died in his early 30’s,  and when her mother remarried, her stepfather died early, too. It  became evident to my grandmother, at this point, that she was destined  to be the family’s support.  As the depression approached, she was fortunate to find a job as Town Clerk of Watertown, Massachusetts  and, to supplement her income, she took in boarders. Her working hours  were long, so my mom was often left to care for her little brother, and to look after the boarders.

Mom was 26 when she and dad finally married at the height of the depression. Dad had a job servicing motion picture sound equipment,  but he was on the road more than 90% of the time. Mom once again took  charge of the family, using her own parenting style, which might best  be described as “Benevolent Dictator.” She was usually kind and loving, but she expected things to be done her way!  I learned, early in life, that the best way to preserve peace in the family was to do as she said. My younger brother was more of a rebel and came in more frequent contact with the ominous “Red Paddle” that  lived beside the breadbox!

Family activities were somewhat limited for budgetary reasons. We went to Sunday School and worked in our Victory Garden, and there were  picnics and occasional trips to visit relatives. Evenings were spent  clustered around the big console radio in the living room.

I had a deformed left leg that couldn’t be corrected until I was fully grown, so I was unable to run, or to play football or baseball, like  other kids. Mom wasn’t sure what children did in my situation, so she  let me choose my own interests. Dad bought a used bicycle for summer and a sled for winter and refurbished them for me. Although the war  was underway, it was, in many ways, a kinder, gentler time when people  didn’t worry about small children being out alone. I spent  a lot of  time reading at the public library, and on Saturdays, I attended a children’s program at the local museum. Occasionally, I’d attend a  movie by myself.  When I was 9, I began collecting postmarks….an interest that I still  have today. Mom tolerated that activity, although she thought it was a  total waste of time. At the age of 12, I started a mail order hobby business which was saluted in a national magazine by a writer who had no idea of the proprietor’s age.  When I reached the grades in school where homework was standard fare, Mom made it very clear that homework came first. All leisure activities came to a screeching halt until the day’s homework was  done. Once again, I chose to do as she said  By the time I was 16 and big enough to have my leg problem corrected, we had moved from Burlington, Vermont to Nashville. Following my  operation, I was unable to walk for 3 months, so I spent a lot of time on  the couch watching that newfangled television stuff! One day, I looked out the window and was horrified to see my postmark collection  piled at the curb, awaiting the garbageman. I quietly summoned my  brother and persuaded him to bring it all in and put it back where it had been stored in the attic. When Mom found out, she was quite  unhappy, but she decided that maybe I really did like those silly things! She never tried to throw them away again.

During my senior year in high school, my school burned to the ground, and Mom accompanied me to a makeshift graduation ceremony at Ward- Belmont College for Women. She was very proud when I went up to receive my diploma and the Principal announced that I’d achieved a  4- year grade point average of 97. I had to admit that I was proud, too.  Her no-holds-barred attitude toward homework, as much as I sometimes  hated it, had produced the result she wanted for me.  I ‘m sure there are many things my mother would have liked to do during her lifetime that she never got to do. First and foremost, both before and after her marriage, her duty was to her family.  Although  my brother and I often regarded her as hard-nosed and inflexible, she  was only trying to instill in us her own sense of responsibility, and  we both believe she succeeded.

When my dad died at 67, Mom immediately sold their home and bought an apartment in a life-care community in Philadelphia, where she spent  the last 30 years of her life. Her reason? To give us the ability to  pursue our lives without the need to took after others. We, nevertheless, visited her frequently and enjoyed the time we spent  with her. She passed away quietly, in her sleep, at the age of 96.  (Last Sunday, May 2nd, would have been Mom’s 103rd birthday.)

 

 

 

From Joe Pater: My Mother

Thinking back, my mother’s most outstanding characteristic, which I hope she conveyed to me, was her ability to adapt to changing circumstances without shifting her core values. She was an east coast Episcopalian with an upper class ancestry who married into a midwestern Catholic and definitely working class family. As best I can tell, she fit in well with my father’s circle of friends before, during and after he served in the Second World War – although I do remember her occasionally referring to somewhat more refined background she left. Likewise she accepted the fact that her two children would be raised Catholic, though, as my sister remarked at the time, she would really have been pleased to see the two of us at her Episcopalian funeral service.

Much more challenging was my father’s death when I was sixteen and my sister ten. I know how much she grieved and how, for the rest of her life, she felt she and he had been cheated, but she didn’t let those feelings get in the way of ensuring that her children were able to obtain the educations they wanted or of enthusiastically “adopting” the families of our spouses.

She was challenged again when Beth and I decided to emigrate to Canada rather than participate in the Vietnam war. Although I have never known what she thought of this decision at the philosophical level, she strongly supported us and was instrumental in making sure that our three families (mine, Beth’s and my sister’s husband’s) kept seeing each other – a tradition that continues to this day.

I don’t recall any specific conflicts with my mother except for the usual strains around “coming of age.” She had her opinions and expressed them, but supported me (and later Beth and me) in working things out for myself.

If I had a chance, I would want to thank my mother for many things, but right now the thing I am most grateful for is how successful she was in instilling a sense of connectedness – with our past, with our families, and with our personal values.

From John Foster: My Mother

My mother was born in London, England in 1908. She was happy with her lot in life. She never had aspirations for a career and had no regrets about that in later life. She focussed on her husband and her three children - indeed to the point of being clannish. She was caring and supportive and non-interfering in my choices and difficulties. Her own mother had been very controlling.

I recall her calmness in the midst of WW II. Sleeping in our bomb shelter in the garden or under the heavy steel table in the dining room was just matter-of-fact. This calmness extended to other situations. My sister had a son with cystic fibrosis who died at age 12. My parents supported her through this anguish, while shielding the reality from the rest of us.

She was light-hearted in misadventures and enthusiastic on family holidays.

Once when we were boating, she missed her footing and fell into the estuary.  She just laughed when she surfaced, holding her purse above her head.  

 She was utterly supportive of my father in his work and shared his leisure pursuits (opera, golf, skiing, travel, Gurdjieff). Were they Unitarians without knowing it? They were married 73 years and I never heard a cross word between them. When he died, four years ago, she appeared rudderless and behaved in ways quite out of character - upsetting and hard to reconcile with her caring nature. She died seven weeks later.

 

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